How Not to Park

One of the many benefits of biking is that I get a chance to notice things. Moving at a pace of around 15 mph allows me to look around a bit and check out the neighborhood. Most of the time I’m looking at people’s houses, enjoying the trees, waving at neighbors, getting barked at by pets, dodging squirrels, and occasionally passing other bikers.

However, I also notice when things are out-of-place, wrong, or just ugly. One thing that is often an eyesore is cars. They are everywhere!! And many people clearly value their cars more than the rest of the neighborhood.

Why is it that some people seem to park their cars as if they have no clue how their actions affect others? Sure, cars are important, expensive, represent who you are, show you’ve made it, blah blah blah. I don’t care, nor does anyone else care why you have that car. It is just a car. It is just like the other 570,000 others sold that year that look just like it. It is not unique. It does not give you superpowers or special rights. So do yourself and the rest of us a favor and park your car in a way the does not make you look like a jackass, endangers others, and brings down your neighbors property value.

Exhibit A) Parking your car the wrong direction

Apparently people think they can park facing the wrong direction. This is not only against the law but it creates a dangerous situation where people are pulling out into traffic without being able to use the side mirrors to see traffic. They are pulling out blindly and hoping no one is coming the opposite direction. This is a bad idea. Stop doing it. Right now.

Exhibit B) Parking your car so that it blocks the sidewalk

Hmm, I have enough space to park 3 cars without blocking the sidewalk.. I think I’ll park my stupid vehicle right at the end so that anyone walking by HAS to go around it. Perfect! Then they can all notice how stupid I am for buying this! What!? You are in a wheelchair!? Sorry about your luck. Hope you don’t get hit when you have to use the street instead of the perfectly good sidewalk. Oh and if you do get hit it will likely be your fault because the road is for cars only!

Exhibit C) Parking your car in front of the stop sign

How can I make intersections more dangerous??? Ah ha! Force everyone to drive in the center of the lane just as someone else might be turning into that lane!

Exhibit D) Parking your car partially on the sidewalk

My car is wayyy too nice to have 4 wheels on the street. 2 wheels must be on the sidewalk! F you pedestrians!

Exhibit E) Parking your car partially on the grass/front lawn

Take that front lawn! How dare you grow evenly! I’ll mess you up if it’s the last thing I do!

Exhibit F) Parking your car(s) entirely on your front lawn

Oh what a lovely day for a walk! The sun is out, Mr. Money Mustache just published another awesome article, my cats didn’t puke on my clothes… and the neighbors are now running an auto shop from home! Oh wait, they just have sooo many stupid cars they can’t possibly park them on asphalt. They have to cover every inch of their property with rubber. Thanks jackasses! The neighborhood looks soo much better with your vehicles decorating your front yard. Some people think grass/flowers/trees are the way to go, but you know better. You unique vehicles adds that trashiness this place was missing.

For a refresher on how to properly park, please visit the governments handy-dandy website with all kinds of rules and regulations.


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